I've been doing a bible study that talks about believing God. The part that I'm on asks you to go through your past in small increments looking for God's hand and provision throughout. I was struck almost dumb yesterday (by almost I mean, I was still able to call and chat with mom about it) when thinking back on the years 7-12 years old. These were very dark years for me.
My family was part of a cult that taught about God, but didn't know him, and offered no way to really reach him. We moved innumerable times and I went to 4 different schools. I had few friends, and because we kept the Sabbath and didn't celebrate holidays or birthdays, I didn't really get to know anyone and was always very alone. Life was chaotic at best, baby brother was the shining beacon of hope for the family, my older brother the tormented, misunderstood rebellious one that needed LOTS of attention. Somewhere along the way I realized that I was just totally alone. But somewhere, somehow, through the fog of legalism and the darkness of isolation, I heard someone whisper to me.
It was a voice that told me I was special. That my life was created for something. That I had a hope and a future. That there was more to God and faith than I could even imagine. I gripped that message and rode it through my turbulent teens until I reached that pinnacle moment of making the worst mistake of my life. I felt shame, guilt, sadness, isolation and yet I heard, "I've made you different for a reason Kacey. I am carving a need in you so deep you will only be able to reach up for me and find my hand."
Little did I know I would find a nail scarred hand, a crown of thorns, and a savior who said he'd take all my ashes and turn them to beauty. In one afternoon, in one breath, one cry, the Lord Almighty came into my lonely life. I have nothing to say except my life has never been the same. I have NEVER felt alone again. I have been blessed beyond measure. Suddenly, the pain and suffering of childhood faded as I saw the meaning in my trials. Only because of the hole carved deep in me by the masters hand would I truly be able to see the depth of my need and reach out for the hand that had been reaching out to me.
While I was yet a sinner, Christ died for me. This is the hope of salvation. It is the promise of redemption. That he can take an ugly, lonely, confused existence and give it meaning and purpose and beauty. I have been blessed by a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful children, but most of all, I know the one who whispers my name. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. The one who was, and is, and is to come.
If you don't know him, if you are reaching out for meaning and significance and finding only air, cry out to him because he is never far from any one of us. Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine. A daughter of the King, Princess Kacey. He whispers my name.
Adventuring with Karen
6 years ago
2 Deep Thoughts:
Beautiful! Thanks for sharing that Kacey! There are tears in my eyes right now.
it's long kacey but i wanted to share.
I've had been thinking about writing this down for awhile. My story of how I became a Christian. Well the first memories of Jesus and Church stuff, I was probably 6 or 7. In Sunday school we had this nifty construction paper heart craft; it was black, red and white. We where told that the black was for sin, the red for Jesus blood that cleanses us from sin and the white was your heart after we accepted Jesus. So that's my first memory of hearing the good news. My next memory is when I was 7, my uncle had just died and I was outside on the front porch, and I asked Jesus to come into my heart and forgive me of my sins. Now I grew up in and religious home, we attended church, sometimes Baptist and or Catholic. When I was older it was pretty much just the Catholic Church. It's like I have no memory of not know that Jesus was God. It's as much a fact as who my parents are. I don't think this knowledge was from a religious up bringing, I have siblings who are not Christians. My parents where "Christian" and moral people but I wound not describe them as "born again" living for Jesus, my mom might have been like this when I was really little but I don't remember. I think God pursued me even as a child. When I grew up I had my mixed bag of sins and troubles like some people leave childhood with. Mine left me with a need for forgiveness, and some pretty unabashed self destruction. All this was before I was 12. In the true spirit of self destruction I was doing drugs, drinking, carving myself up, promiscuous and into devil worship. All this by 12!!! LOL The devil was really popular in the early 80's! Yeah I was a mess. I think this was partly because my parents got divorced during this time and my father was the disciplinarian and when he was gone I got away with murder. With no real personal spiritual anchor my mom had gone off the deep end, and she was middle age and divorcing! I got it into my head to runaway from home at this time, to Idaho. ( BURRR!!) A friend and I had a friend who had moved to Idaho and again in the true spirit of self destruction I thought this was a good idea to go. Well my sister and brother lived a state away, and during this time my mom arranged for me to "visit" them in California. I don't know really the particulars, if my mom new I was going to run away, and was trying to stop it. But at any rate this first attempt to run headlong into self destruction was thwarted by God, in my opinion. I ended up in California living with my born again brother, sister in law, and sister. Little did I know this was a Devine appointment. Well I think I lived with them for quite awhile, I was put into school so I would say maybe 5 months? In this time my I was labored for in prayer, I was taken to church at least twice a week (Harvest in Riverside) and fell into a family routine. So it was October and I was pretty wigged out coming form all the freedom I had with a single working mom and devil stuff and drugs and other issues ,I was worn down every week by Gods calling to me, His word, the gospel message of Jesus bridging the gap between God and man, the Holy God willing to forgive me of my wickedness because of Jesus being the perfect atonement for my sins. Because of my childhood , knowing previously of Gods law , right and wrong and a my recent behavior I was not self deluded into thinking I was a "good" person and did not need to repent before a Holy God. I felt like sinner. It was almost tangible the spiritual battle I felt in my soul! It was a wild ,wild time in my life and I have never since felt anything that can remotely compare! So after all this wearing me down I knew I need to be reconciled with God, and I knew repenting and turning my life over to Him was the only option. In my childish mind I was convinced I need to have an "alter call" at church from the pastor to do this, so I waited for that weeks service to go up when called. In the few days before the service I was over come with the most out of control fear and anxiety I remember praying and asking Jesus to get me trough this anxiety and fear. Like I said before I have NEVER experienced anything like this since. Well the day came and I walked up after the alter call and accepted the Lord and the anxiety and fear went away. That was the crazy year of 12 for me. Now a few things happened to me form 12-19!! Ah! my mom and I moved away from my Christian family really soon after my "alter call" I tried so hard to be so good for so long, I was lonely, un- churched and living in the "ghetto" in Anaheim California with my mom. We were really poor and cockroaches swarmed all over our clothes in the closets when we first moved into out apartment. This was very hard for me; I wanted a feeling and scene of family. I pretty much ended up like I was before, and I did run away and spent a summer in Anaheim California living in abandoned cars doing large amount of hard core drugs and completely running amuck, eating out of trash cans. Now this time a friend and I had some news of an abandoned car that just need some gas and when had plans to take off to Vegas or some other state, again I was really going to just toss my life away! Can you imagine a 14 old runaway in Vegas? Dear lord! Well we got arrested trying to gas up the car (I always get caught) and well I spend a week in juvenile hall and again I believe God had stop my attempts at complete self destruction. I was taken out of juvie from my dad who was really kind to me during this time, still self destructive but a little less immature, I tried to drink my self silly before school everyday but this only lasted as long as the whisky in the cupboard and that was gone pretty soon. This was probably the only time I really though seriously about suicide. I remember I tried to get back some soft of self respect during this time. Well mom came moved in took me to Anaheim again ( I think) then to Oregon. I was like 15 when we moved back to Oregon. I went to California and visited my sister my 15th summer and she sent me to Christian camp and I remembered what it was that I lost and again wanted to be on the right path. Nothing stuck until I was 19, I moved from Oregon to California to be near my Christian family, and I turned completely from the lifestyle I was living and turned over my life to Jesus ever since. It was really hard growing up with a mom who was not a Christian; and she was converting to Judaism when I was about 16! I admire children who can serve the lord when they live at home with unbelieving parents. I failed at that. I truly wish I would have served and honored Him during my teen years. I am very grateful to my sister, sister in law, brother and cousin, who have shown me the way to Jesus and have been an encouragement all my life. I sincerely believe God is why I am not self destructive, He has given me hope, renewed my mind and snatched me out of the fire. Some people find in themselves a way out of destructive lifestyles, but they are still going to die in there sins and not be reconciled with God. I am grateful beyond measure for His forgives and healing.
Luke 7:47 (New American Standard Bible)
"For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little."
Parable of Two Debtors
And Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to say to you." And he replied, "Say it, Teacher." "A moneylender had two debtors: one owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. "When they were unable to repay, he graciously forgave them both. So which of them will love him more?"
Simon answered and said, "I suppose the one whom he forgave more." And He said to him, "You have judged correctly." toward the woman, He said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has wet My feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. "You gave Me no kiss; but she, since the time I came in, has not ceased to kiss My feet. "You did not anoint My head with oil, but she anointed My feet with perfume. "For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for sheloved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little." Then He said to her, "Your sins have been forgiven." Those who were reclining at the table with Him began to say to themselves, " Who is this man who even forgives sins?"
And He said to the woman, " Your faith has saved you; go in peace."
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